MercyJournal

Coming Soon!

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:55:11 GMT

Nearly Finished...

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:15:37 GMT

Art Trade With one of my new friends on DA. She's about to go to Iraq w/ the Army. :(

She did a pic of the Ozzman for me, and since she's a raging Evanescence fan I decided to do Amy Lee For her.

Bird by Bird

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:44:33 GMT

I woke up with something to say today. I'm gonna go right ahead and say it, even though I'm probably the only one listening, so I'll say it plain without much window dressing. Maybe some others who are 'wired backwards' will see this and take a bit of strength from it.

What do I mean by wired backwards?

Our society has elevated things like grudges, blame, revenge to some exalted status they never deserved. Man, we are ALL about that "eye for an eye' crap. We embrace it not just as individuals, but as families, communities, nations, even as species. Hatred and indifference to the suffering of others, because "It's not my problem. What could I possibly do about it anyway?" and "If you look back they brought it on themselves, they made the bed, let em lie in it."

I, and I think quite a few others like me are wired to see the mirror version of this. Instead of always looking forward to the next shiny new thing waiting to be picked up and used, we look back. We wonder, "What have I left behind that I should have kept with me. What have I left broken that could still be mended. There used to be a bridge here, Can I rebuild it?"

Sure I whine too much, and look back at the past too much. I dwell on things I cannot fix. I get a lot of crap for it. I've always been wired this way. It has always been something for others to criticize.

Let it go, move on, forget.
Don't worry about what you can't change,
There's bigger stuff than you, broken out there, that needs attention.

I hear all that and I even agree to an extremely limited extent.

I look back more than is healthy. I stare at love lost, faith shattered, friendship abandoned. In doing so I stay focused on the fact that their WAS love, there WAS faith, there WAS friendship. I want to know how such fine things got crushed so it will never happen again. I do not like to repeat mistakes and how can I prevent doing so if I ignore the past as something done and gone.

So I divorce myself of the throw-away mindset embraced by the rest of society. If something lovely lies broken in the dust I'd much rather pick it up and examine it carefully for what repairs might be made.

Most would just mutter "useless" and chuck it on the trash pile. They go out and get new love, new faith, new friendship. Oblivious to the fact that they will throw that into the landfill soon too.

This is a problem.

If we treat the world as though nothing is worth saving, then WE are not worth saving.

It's true that some things can't be fixed. But this is claimed a lot more often than it is true. Fixing things takes time, and emotional investment that people are rather stingy with by nature. But I'm wired backwards.

If the only thing I learn by turning sadness over in my head it how not to create the same sadness again, it's still a good day.

On a great day, a bleeding broken bird flies again.

How many mangled birds have we left behind us, as individuals, as families, as communities, as nations? How many more as a species? For god sakes, the very planet we tread on is fast becoming one of them. It still flutters along for now, but its wings are creaking under the strain.

We do not have a shiny new world to pick up if we throw this one away.

It isn't that I'm too self-absorbed to care about the million tragedies happening across the globe. It's that I believe we have to start small and work our way up. How can we address a problem as a species that we cannot deal with as individuals?

Bird by Bird.

Allright guyz...

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:49:53 GMT

Sizes and styles/materialz

I still need them. *nods*

E-mail if you don't wish to post.

NERV #1

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:48:04 GMT

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

Gabrielle Colored!

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 16:16:54 GMT

I still plan to add a quote to the right side of the page and maybe a simple background, but after that she's done!

Sorry bout the crappy photo, my camera settings got messed up a bit. :(

Parvati and Shiva WiP

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:09:46 GMT

more progress

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 19:08:56 GMT

It is the one year anniversary of the day I lost my mind.

It's also the 19th.

Figures...

And then THIS happened...

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:48:38 GMT

Um...

Saw a picture of a lovely girl today and just HAD to start drawing her.

UM... This is my first serious figure study in like almost 20 years...

It is far from finished, but I wanted to create some proof that this was happening in case I royally mess it up later.
I have no idea where this came from. Or if it means I have to stop telling people I can't draw.

Ummm Kupo?

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:25:40 GMT

My Dharma Initiative

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 19:20:18 GMT

I thought about what I would do if I worked for Dharma and came up with this. Just a fun one-off for me. Took one day.

Angel Jeans still progressing

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:51:01 GMT

Thought I'd post an update since I did lotsa work on em since the last...

Pics behind the cut

Full view

Close-up Angel One

Close-up Angel Two

For those clamoring for pics...

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:40:08 GMT

I took a shot each of my WIP's

Hello Kitty. WIP. Found a coloring book pic of HK with angel wings flying. Redesigned the wings, wreath, flower she's holding and her outfit too.

Still need to put in a flck of fuzzlebatz flying with her, and lettering that reads 'Hello - Morning Goth'

Cemetery Angel. This floors even me. This is not someone else s art, but something I did from a photo of a cemetery statue. Photo is here

Hey! I just noticed that the pic was taken in a Baltimore bone yard... More weird synchronicity, eh Kev?

mmmkaaaay...

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:01:37 GMT

So not completely dead yet... (Look! I'm dancin!)

My apologies for the Monty Python refrence.

I don't expect to be terribly active here in the immediate future, but this is my oldest account and my main way of keeping up w/ RL friends. I don't want to trash all my old entries or lose touch so I resurrected this one before it got toasted.

Mainly I'll be using it to lurk the people I know, and maybe for posting some of the crafty things I've been doing.

No EMO!

Not that I'm not still having quite a bit, but I've decided to shut the hell up about that.

For those in the know, the fabric painting is progressing at warp speed. My skill level with it has jumped a huge amount in a short time. I'll have new stuff to show off soon. For those that missed em, here is my first project... Fire and Koi jeans...

Jeans Front

Jeans Back

Poem Close-up

Next two projects on the table are a silly victorian Hello Kitty goth denim vest....

and a top secret but goth as dammit pair of jeans that I can't believe I had the gonads to even attempt at my skill level, but they're progressing well so far in spite of that.

No writing at all lately though. :(

Still blocked up tight.

Leaving the Web

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 13:50:49 GMT

I think I may be experiencing a late onset of something like my mother's schizophrenia, or my father's bi-polar issues. The mental mess I'm in now is mostly of my own making, but it still has to stop.

I went looking through my entries from last year to try and pinpoint where it was that my crazy train went off-rail. Early Oct. More than a year!

In Sept of 07 I was doing great. I was writing a ton. (20 chapters in on one book, and working on ch 2 of a second. Plus doing side stories for fissure and getting published in some lit mags and an anthology.) I had just met my kids online and started having regular conversations with them. Spiritually I was grounded and aware and using a combo of Jung's depth psychology my own weird form of spiritualism to get a deeper understanding of who I was and where I wanted to be. I was confident, optimistic, and happy.

I'd written a piece on everything that had happened to me in 1999 months earlier. Not for publication, but just to examine and understand it for myself, and maybe a few friends who helped me through it at the time. It was wrenching and sublime all at once. Once it was done I thought I could put that bittersweet novella away, for good.

(HahahaHaha, No.)

Things kept bugging me about those events. There were big holes in the story lost to time and unwillingness to deal with it when it could still badly hurt me. There was also a gaping lack of closure that once I was again aware of it, began to gnaw at me.

I started trying to locate him, to no avail. I figured okay then. This just isn't going to be resolved and I need to make peace with it myself.

(nope.)

Two things happened right at the beginning of Oct that sent me into a tailspin. The first was that reminders started popping up everywhere. Little stuff that would be meaningless to anyone else. Tons of poetry and stories dealing with weirdly similar issues. The names and numbers popped up everywhere.

At first I assumed it was just my own subconscious trying to tell me things.

The second was that it felt like the connection had opened back up. That is one of those things you just won't understand unless you've experienced it yourself. It goes way beyond just empathy actually feeling what the other feels. Time and distance have made that connection intermittent and staticy but it it was there and hard for me to pretend it was just overactive imagination at work. Those signals weren't happy ones.

I thought about what writings and poetry I had floating around on the net. It was all angry and negative. Guilt and Blame. I decided that wasn't what I wanted to put out there anymore.

In an age where bosses and prospective employers read blogs, not to mention friends and family, numerous people resort to alias's so they can say what they really think without as much risk. Faceless as internet presences are, anyone you meet online could be well anyone. Even someone you know.

Understanding the risk, I decided to put it all out there and see if maybe some good could come of it. Some did. I was able to re frame the past in a lot of new ways that made all the old blame and guilt look silly. I made a number of friends who understood on levels I never expected. I started writing poetry again, a good deal of which has now been published, and it was well received.

But there was a downside. A lot of negativity and anger began to bounce at me as well. I always tried to answer it in case it was him. But it started taking its toll on me.

Anyone really can be anyone online, and I am not without my fair share of enemies. People who would gleefully take advantage of all this and use it to deliberately mess with my head. There have been a number of nasty sucker punches, some that I went looking for, and others that I did not. The hurt and confusion has bounced me all over the emotional map, and made me into a needy reactionary creature I cannot stand.

So while I do still wish to see what friendship might be salvaged from all the old wreckage. I've realized that this obsession is not the way to get to it. I can't repair anything with an alias. I'm going to be deleting all my online accounts in a few days. I'm leaving this message up long enough so that those who know me but do not log-in daily will have a chance to see it before getting a 'that account no longer exists' message.

If he really is there, an e-mail saying who he is, and that he'd like to see if we could be friends again too doesn't seem like too much to ask. If not, then that's okay too.

This is not me running, but taking my power and my life back instead. This will allow me to get back to my writing (The real stuff, and not whiny blogging,) and get a couple of artistic business ideas going, and give me a lot more face time with the people I love. To those friends that are too far away for the face time, and dislike talking on the phone, please do e-mail. I love getting letters and write good ones in return. This applies especially to my kids who only seem to want to talk on IM which I completely suck at. *bap!* E-mail about anything at all, or just to say Hi. I miss you both.

Other than that I will only be using the web for story and novel research. Nothing else. A minimum of six months abstinence, probably more like a year. If it winds up being as good for me as I suspect it will, it may even be permanent.

Love and pokemon for everyone;
Wendy.

Color me surprised

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:52:58 GMT

There may be a bit of hope for this country yet.

Did everyone see FL turn blue?!?

Holy crap, I might have to stop picking on us now.

My homestate though, *shakes head in abject shame*, WTF? And after Katrina too.

Staying Informed...

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 23:35:44 GMT

Mmmmm Kaaaay!

As we are nearing Nov 2nd I want to give out some links to information that will help people see past the mud covered lenses of the mainstream media. The mud is definitely flying on both sides of this partisan battle.

My favorite site that calls BS on all of it.

www.FactCheck.org

Want to check up on how congress members have been voting?

http://www.vote-smart.org/

http://ontheissues.org/default.htm

How about keeping an eye on who’s getting money from whom?

http://www.opensecrets.org/

Other great sites with up to date info on elections and election reform.

http://www.commoncause.org

http://www.independent.org/

http://www.taxpayer.net/

http://www.publicampaign.org/

Just want some news instead of spin and newstainment?

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/

http://www.nationaljournal.com/njonline/

http://www.prnewswire.com/news/index.shtml

Please feel free to respond with sites I may not be aware of yet. I’m interested in all views, whether you lean to the right or left or sit in the middle. I consider myself a liberal and a progressive, but I’m equally interested in other views as long as they are well reasoned.

Voters Hijacked

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:06:31 GMT

Check your local listings, the whole film is showing on Starz.

Look for "Uncounted: The New Math of American Elections"

It actually makes me feel a lot better about this country to think that we in fact did NOT elect this jerk either time. But the media is bought and paid for by special interest groups that see no money in exposing this.

It happened again during the vote for congress. It WILL happen again in Nov. Far too little has been done to stop it.

Batz return

Mon, 26 May 2008 12:19:30 GMT

Hosted By: Return of the Bats
When: Saturday Jun 21, 2008
at 9:00 PM
Where: Jarrell Affair (Behind Michael’s)
4321 Park Rd
Charlotte, NC 28210
United States
Description:
Return of the Bats

Click Here To View Event

Okay Carolina friends. Who's game? Charlotte on the 21st is gonna be tight for me but I really wanna go! Who wants to goth out?

An RSVP this time? Interesting. :)

Stranger than fiction

Wed, 07 May 2008 19:45:16 GMT

Apparently I can has mine own indie comic book series.

This is so kewl I might forgive Kev for having his own action figure...

MERCY SPARX

ABOUT MERCY SPARX: Blaylock’s own creation, tells the tale of a devil girl stuck between Heaven and Hell. After being denied entrance into paradise, Mercy is contracted by Heaven to hunt down three rogue angels who are giving the rest a bad name. Succeeding in their capture might just be Mercy’s key to the Pearly Gates.

History: Mercy Sparx is, quite literally, a bit of a devil. Born in Sheol, a land between Heaven, Hell and Purgatory, Mercy was the child of two demons, but although she hadn't shared their rebellion against God she found herself blocked from entering Heaven by her accident of birth. Having therefore not really considered the option, it came as somewhat of a suprise when a Hellish agent offered her a contract to track down three rogue angels causing trouble on Earth, in return for being allowed through the Pearly Gates. Sent to Earth with a new, human look, Mercy soon found the deal wasn't as simple as it seemed, as both sides tried to make her a pawn in their game.

Mercy Sparx is from the land of Sheol, a place between Heaven, Hell and Purgatory where those who fall through the cracks of the cosmic, divine system dwell. The daughter of two full fledged demons, she wasn't at the gates of heaven rebelling the big guy's rule, but Heaven's sure as hell not letting her through the gates. Mercy lived a fairly normal Sheolite life, although with a pension for getting into a lot of trouble, until an agent of Hell offered her an interesting proposition: eliminate three rogue angels that were causing trouble on Earth, and Heaven would let her in. Mercy later awoke in a United States apartment, complete with a new human appearance. Her hunt for the angels continue, and she's about to learn that Heaven and Hell each have their own agenda, but they may not be what everyone thinks.

She smokes, drinks, and has a tattoo of angel wings that turn into real ones.

ROTFLTIP!!!oneone!

Synchronicity is weeeeiiiiird.

For Kev.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 15:33:11 GMT

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 17:34:58 GMT

With a nod to mlfoley cuz this is made of candy.

Which Major Romantic Poet Would You Be (if You Were a Major Romantic Poet)?

You are Samuel Taylor Coleridge! The infamous "archangel a little damaged!" You took drugs and talked for hours, it's true, but you also made a conscious choice to cultivate the image of the deranged poet in a frenzy of genius. You claimed you wrote "Kubla Khan" in an afternoon after a laudanum, when you pretty manifestly did no such thing. You and your flashing eyes and floating hair. And your brilliant scholarship and obvious genius.
Take this quiz!

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Where I'm At

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 15:33:58 GMT

On Reading:

I’ve always been influenced by what I read and watch. It impacts my thinking quite heavily. For the last decade or so I’ve been reading and watching a lot of pop crap. I’ve been getting a bleak return on it as far as my own works go. So this year I’m going to try something a bit different. Thanks to the writers strike I’ve already pretty much eliminated TV. I’m going to keep that up (With the exception of LOST, since that draws on a great deal of fantastic lit) And I’m making an effort to read as many classics as possible this year. With my reading speed it should add up fast. I’ve reinstated my library membership and started getting loaded up each week on books made of win. Hemingway, Faulkner, Huxley, Plath… We’ll see where that has me at the end of the year.

On Writing:

I’ve had some quietly disturbing revelations about my own work. I’m still not digging nearly deep enough yet. I’ve been trying to write about ordinary people in extraordinary situations. I can’t really do that. I don’t understand jack about ordinary people. I can’t write them well, or believably. I know quite a lot about unusual people. People who’ve lived through things most have barely a concept for. People that have been transformed by these things in both good and bad ways. Individuals with glitches, quirks, and massive amounts of baggage. I am one of those people myself. It makes sense that that is what I understand, what I am drawn to. Yet when I write I keep trying to make my characters more… normal. I’ve been afraid that no one would be able to relate to my truth, my world. That is just bullshit cowardice on my part. If I can’t tell the truth, I don’t deserve to call myself a writer. So I must delve into my past, into the weird dirt and pain, not to wallow in it, but to find the moments that helped me survive. Maybe something I have to say about that will help someone else find their way out of hell. Books did that for me, times beyond count. It’s only fair that I pay a little of it back. So for a while I’m going to focus on how extraordinary people deal with the grindingly, depressingly typical failings of family, society, and friendship. I see a lot of pit in my immediate future.

On Being:

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been swirling the pit lately. Maybe it’s because I’m not doing enough good writing yet. It could also be my growing frustration with my near total isolation. I’m not sure, but I’m making efforts on both fronts. If I seem overly quiet or unresponsive, please don’t worry. I’m okay. Just doing my usual hermit thing. I need to get out more, and sit at the computer less. Since that doesn’t seem to be happening, I’m at least trying to manage the isolation so that it is not wasted time. I’m pretty much only using the computer as a big word processor and not for communication. For those who are miffed at me for not replying to messages and e-mail I’m sorry. Yes, I know I totally suck.

On Anime:

The one thing I have discovered lately that is purely fun is a site that has UNBELIEVABLE amounts of subbed anime. If you like the idea of tons of anime viewing for free, check out CrunchyRoll.

Bush, He gotted meh agin

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 18:45:44 GMT

Hoooooo KAAAAY!

I should totally be pissed but mostly I'm just flabbergasted to laughter. Y'see I just got back from the polls. It would seem that even though I've been a registered Dem since 92' I have somehow mysteriously been re-registered as a non-partisan voter. After I left my voting center I went and corrected this, by re-registering as a Dem.

Mine was one of the FL counties that had a large percentage of it's votes thrown out in 06', now this.

While I was in line at the voter ref dept, three other calls came in from ppl whose affiliation had been switched.

"interesting..."

Have I mentioned how much I f'ing hate Florida lately? Have I?

This level of audacity is just to lulz! I'm just grateful they didn't list me as a felon, ne?

And freedom tastes just like chicken.

Eclipse

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:45:11 GMT

For those who understand what this means...

Last night I took off the amber sun. I wrapped it in soft cloth and put it into a box with other memories and all the info on addresses and such that I dug up while hunting M.

Without it I feel very raw, naked and exposed. It had become a part of me. The visible way I wore my pain.

I'm okay, really. I just need to find out what I am underneath all that. I can't let the judgment and rejection of another define me anymore. I can't keep hoping to turn back time. Sand in an hourglass never falls up.